"What the...?" Shock descended onto me like an ice cold trickle down my spine. The pain hit about the same time as a wave of nausea followed by a torrent of hot tears. "She kicked me. I can't believe she kicked me," I thought as I sobbed uncontrollably.
As I stood there unabashedly bawling my eyes out, the scene from earlier that week came flooding back to me. Spirit has a nasty habit of blasting through my space. She's never been taught differently so I know I shouldn't blame her. But it's not safe for the humans around her. She also throws her head in a way that can be dangerous. That day I was asking her to yield away from me and she threw her head around and almost hit my face. I managed to block her with my forearm, taking her by surprise. This isn't an aggressive move, it's a match of energy and a protection of my own space. BUT, here's the thing... I was frustrated, irritated and impatient. I bumped her 3 more times with the butt of my hand, which was unfair, and unnecessary and SHE KNEW IT. I didn't physically hurt her, but I hurt her pride. She licked and chewed and walked away looking back at me. I heard her say "I'll get even, don't you worry." Boy, did she ever.
The truly amazing thing is that she got the inside of my right knee when it was my left side that was behind her. I guess I must have been standing with my left leg forward and right foot back. What I do know without a shadow of doubt is that she walloped me good and hard.
I have to admit that not just my leg was bruised. My ego was bruised along with my sense of space with 4 horses. I didn't feel safe now and I was nervous and anxious, especially at night with them. I got some light set up and that helped, but my heightened sense of awareness was now very uncomfortable and took some inward adjusting.
Thankfully my landlady has all kinds of great healing gadgets and tools. She lent me the device you see above. It's a type of laser that also has sound for deep healing. It was amazing and I didn't actually experience much pain. That lump was about 3.5" from the normal size inside my leg by my knee. I do have a permanent lump there now, scar tissue I would guess, that serves to remind me to control my reactionary impulses with horses. This is one of the few injuries I've had working with horses I'm happy to say. I hope I can keep it that way.
The following morning my landlady came out to help me with chores. She had broken her wrist a week earlier so there wasn't much she could do but I appreciated the support. Her being there threw me and the horses into a kind of chaos (they really do thrive on routine). I'm not sure if I felt I needed to show her how naughty Spirit could be, but I went up to her and asked her to back up before I gave her her mash. She wouldn't back up and when I applied more pressure (from this off balanced internal state I was in) she started to leave. I think I swore and my landlady said "what's going on? What's she doing?" I said "I'm just asking her to back and she left instead." Landlady "Jai you're really in their faces, just like how you're always in my face." Ouch. I just got kicked again! All I could say was "how exactly am I in your face?" She couldn't really give me an example. I was so upset I just went about my business so I could make a fast retreat to my house.
I really took this comment to heart. It's who I am. I do that. I thought about how when I am off balanced internally I push through it and that can look like 'pushing at/into' people and horses. It's a fear reflex I guess and it's kind of knee jerk. I think we all have them.
Having this mirror put up so closely to my face was painful yes. Valuable, yes. Enlightening, yes. When we know better we do better as Oprah would say, and I am constantly learning and growing.
I hope this story can save you a bump or two, or three or five.
My Horse is my Guru.
see you next time
I'm Jai Sequoia. I live in the spectacular mountains of the West Kootenays in beautiful British Columbia. Read more